shudder

i wanted warmth
you wanted warmth
binders full of warmth
a portfolio made of warmth
dizzy and tense, me, in search of
all of that warmth that you are so proud
of having drawn out of so many strangers,
but me? the sputtering, childish thing that you
tease and laugh at and run around with like a dog
or a toddler, how am i supposed to be confident when
asked to look confident? i thought i already looked confident;
i thought my willingness (desire) to put my self before your lens
bespoke the confidence i had in our collective, ecstatic, generous warmth--
but you wanted another kind of warmth, and i faltered. with the setting sun, i grew
cold.