who says

soft blue home
like rolling stones, like
self-redemption the skies rolled
on and on and i did, too
i couldn't bear the sight of a mirror
or you

(and to think, everyone else
so loved your eyes, your hair
you litter picture frames from tragic years)

i'm leaving, now
and it makes me sick
i'm leaving to stop me from doing that
but the ocean is one great mirror
and the plane can't turn around
and europe is so far away
will this really make me stronger?

they called me wendy
but i was the one who was lost
just because i once flew doesn't mean
i know my way
never, never again i keep saying
i can't, but i can
and it hurts to know that i need this
but it hurts more to wonder if that's really true

unused essays

i don't know where you are tonight
the boxes all stare at me
from my little light, like a
haunted isle, minced, packaged lives
i could swear i saw the future
in 2005.
i was young then.

someone told me to love my neurosis
it makes me me
good-for-nothing me
but that same man said
"stand up, you are worth that much"
it takes a lot to stand up,
i hope you understand
how can i be worth so much and so little?

this morning, the fog
covered only chimneys
like there was something to conceal in
the topmost bricks of these houses
skeletons in the attic shouting
look up, look up!
but i can't really see. it's foggy.

regression progression

saw you at my will, like you said
my time only
so you could say what
i, being me, never expect
and i could prove to myself
that something exists
beyond levees and electrical currents
and my bones keeping me
well-aware, well removed.

it almost worked
i followed myself home and
laughed and scoffed and
kicked a pebble to pull in the tide
until it was safe to drown
in deep blue when i

had the chance, underwhelming
i know
to plan my sighs
but i have to start somewhere
right?

i guess when i tried to be angry
i could feel this shell aching
for something, something
please

please, let there be something.

triple entente

the whole world smelled of apples
twilight and smoke from a dream
and i did dream, even if
i thought it was hopeless, i did
and i woke up to find
pyramus and thisbe, a play inside a play
the destruction of the parthenon
of personality and pain, because i know
everyone feels the numbness
until the only thing left is our
bones
sliding against each other, alone, and
charcoal wings on the sidewalk
because nobody is watching over and
an imprint; false love
and a bullet for a freckle

which is strange, because i can still feel the wind

the muliple personalities of multiple choice

i had my skeleton drive back
to wander through these halls, to
predict whether i'd be
black or blue (false or true)
by april fool's day, ghastly parade
celluloid hall, alone in a river but
i watch you fall
face-first, and you didn't know it
until the dripping blue caught up to you and
warned you that the atmosphere would swallow
us up

it's hard to lie these days, when
i could see blacks but i always see grey
just a pale shade but i know i'm right
glad you're not me, glad i'm not you
the river was shallow
but it ran so true.

moratorium

i'm just a question
a petty thief
searching for words to explain your grief
and i could write pages of dripping dawn
tightrope suns and
silly schemes
to rid the world of its lesser themes
but i know i'm wrong
these things will haunt us
they will be bedsheets hung on the door
hurricane warnings, silent good mornings
from a silent war
there's no such thing
as a cease-fire, only a play
to forget our lines. call it a treaty
go on with living, or fighting this war.

not fade away

we were left with shells
ragged and crying for closure
and the skies, they heard us and
opened up and the rain felt like fire in my lungs
legions of hate, we'll never die
never fade

it's a lie, and we know it.

i want to kiss the goodbye from your lips
i want to take you back home, find
your favorite stuffed animal and stop you from crying
you're liquefying before my eyes
and all i can do is hope that when you're blue,
i'm still in love,
because i need this reason.

this is not closure.
this is not fair.

(screens aside, i would die in your world
but i live in mine).