dedicated to people like judas or lw / addressed to You

i can't fathom what to say
to make these feelings disperse,
i want to fall into mental homicide
and take out my rage on something that can feel.
i don't care if it's you, or her,
just simplify these complexes with a razor-knife.

now's the part where i apologize
for the feelings of worthlessness i've revealed,
where i take back my remorse and appreciate you
for you.
where do i learn to do that?
where do i learn to live without regret?
i feel myself failing expectations
and falling away from friends
and flailing
and flying
and never forgiving
and losing trust in everything.

and then there's You.
will i ever speak to you again?
not in song, or notes, or poetry,
or any other stupid wall to hide behind -
are you truly my friend?
go on, make me not care that you are
better.

LISTEN; i'm talking to you.
just for once forget the chaos
forget the idea that you can't choose -
pick whoever or whatever you want,
just choose... please.
or i'm a ghost that's left to haunt.

post-script

i am a failure to the utmost degree,
this is not the issue.
simply show me how to live with this,
i don't need your secondhand tissues.

product

a boy didn't recognize himself in the mirror today.
instead he saw a man,
and should he have rejoiced?
even though the man was haggard and lost and caught in a haze,
he was still a man.

center for.

god must really be looking out for me,
knew i'd need you right about now,
fate must have smiled to numb the pain,
you were here somehow.

let's hope the prize wasn't behind this door.

lyrics on my speaker

maybe it isn't what i wanted,
too rough, too childish.
the grain got in my way.
and yet-
it says what i wanted to say.

as long as i can hear your serenade,
i'm fine, i'll breathe.
the music's running in my veins.
so play-
i'll never throw your serenade away.

you're coursing through my thoughts,
i fight, i hate.
this music will never be mine to take.
and yet -
i hear you smile and see you sing, and know that i'm okay.

honesty

you are my poetry.
your heart beats as mine,
running, running, out of time.
anonymity has quenched our mediocrity.
and now we drown in blood and tears of joy.

i am a toy.
you've stolen my alacrity,
stabbing, stabbing, crying out rhymes.
and now i feel we've crossed the line,
the lullabies we sing are drowning in the sea.

so thank you.
it's time i broke a verse
to break this curse.
let me nevermore be burned by this rope.

apparently god thinks i'm you

the afternoon sun is warm,
but i still have chills.
my body is draped across a chair,
yet i am still tense.
this cynicism makes no sense.

you want this utopia,
so you can be the exception.
you want to be sad,
just to be able to strive for love.
i want to meet the earth, and the stars, and maybe even the god above.

f ii

i'm still falling,
i won't ever get up.
i'm a self-destructive son of a bitch
and that's the way it'll always be.

i should be loving life,
living it, for fuck's sake.
but i'm a son of a gun with no sense of fun,
and that's the way it'll always be.

life sucks when you're dealing with infinity.

yes they do.

and so do i.

you're not alone, friend.
this is not the end.
how many times have you laid down and died?
you could have tried,
you could have
tried.

smile tomorrow;
for real this time,
and forget your anxiety for just one day.
it's not really that way.

get me out please get me out please get me out please....

i know because i know because i know because
i'm really not ready to trust
oh why is the ceiling blue when it could be green?
why is the water boiling, the fire's unseen.
where is it? where is the flame?
i need someone to blame, but you don't understand,
your perfect world is perfect but all the same
it's broken, shattered, destroyed like mine and yet
it's perfect? why is your poverty more romantic than mine?

i know because i know because i know because
you write and think and know your way
even though you get lost sometimes,
but when i get lost i'm lost and that's it,
there's no redemption, no silver lining,
it's probably my brain,
it's a fucking work of moder art,
you just can't figure it out, but neither can i,
so maybe it'd be better if i could ever get high
but i can't i can't i can't
because it just wouldn't work out right anyway.

fractals

the love of my life
drove me off of a wall,
but my body was broken
ere i began to fall.
so here stands a shard
of the person who was,
will you take my hand and pull me above?

in my fall from grace,
i stumbled a bit,
and looked down this path
but couldn't see shit.
so now i am walking
into the night,
will you stay with me always, though my head isn't right?

(i keep on using the word "shit." hmm...)

i could hear it through the ventilation.

maybe i was crying too hard,
i couldn't hear your yells,
maybe you were drowning, brother,
maybe i'm full of shit.
i was listening echoes gone,
your voice a silent, broken song,

if i play until my fingers bleed
and the notes sound strong,
will your voice sound sweet?
because i'm an echo too, my brother,
there's no other,
but you and me.

though i should add,
the other echoes made me sad.

frustrations, sexual and not.

we're dancing on the edge of a knife,
pirouettes upon a razor,
numb to the pain and in our minds
we're following an enchanter's fife.

we're walking though we're blind,
unaware of what we can do,
mice with mangled tails,
we have no idea, no fucking clue.

we're running out of time
to fling our souls askew,
broken bodies with broken wings,
treading on restless strings.

spectacular spectacular.

give me something, i need something,
let me feel, oh let me bleed.
burning reeds and stringing reels
is no way to live.

we are running, watch us running,
make us smile, and make us scream,
busting seams and drunken miles
are getting old.

this love thing is getting old, so old,
when there's no one to make you make things right
or smile at night.
i don't want these years to leave me cold, so cold.

we dream

what am i becoming,
and what have i done?
am i a
clone a clone a clone a clone a clone a clone a
figment of imagination that has ripped itself shreds,
only to find that there is not heart behind the skin?
but i think i'm more akin to a fish who ripped its fin
because he thought he could walk.

a
clone a clone a clone a clone a clone a clone.
i think i've won.
let me dream.

but you, my brother in arms...

on a fair fall day,
i watched you die,
i watched you fall,
now here i lie.

take peace dear friend,
that we are gone,
though we were faceless,
we were strong.

fog

the mist is rolling in,
heavy on hearts,
and darkening days,
the mist is rolling in.

like in no man's land,
it's falling down,
a lingering veil,
in no man's land.

from over the river,
a cry of regret,
a day smothered,
from over the river.

the mist is rolling in,
the sun is blotted out,
the fears are boiling up,
rolling in.

what fools are we.

it's been a while.
the hair on my head is a bit longer,
and my body has no doubt grown.
but i am still the same, friend.

if we could be stronger,
we'd make it to the end,
reap what we've sown,
but independence is out of style.

[edit: my goddamn spelling]